Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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