Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize