I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
