It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
