Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
