i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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