So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
