So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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