I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
