My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They took my balls.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
