i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
