It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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