the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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