grandma shit on top of the toilet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
