i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
