I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Randomize
