1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
