it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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