Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize