We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm too high and old for this...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
