So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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