fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
