Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
