You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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