we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
