Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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