T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize