I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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