I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
