uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
