The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
