Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
