i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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