I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
