He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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