today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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