well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
