I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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