I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
