i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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