Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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