well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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