he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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