WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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