I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
