my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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