Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
