No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
