the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
