Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
