somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
