More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
