i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize