new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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