Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize