Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
