So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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