I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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