im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
