i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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