So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
