apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
