Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
