Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize