fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
