I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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