dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
