I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
