Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize