Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
