I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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