I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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