can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
