Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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