Don't make out with my wife yet
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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