How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
