I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
